A memo to those who work at home

Posted by Offer Tsuriel on October 30, 2009

It has come to our attention that you who don’t go to an office every day do not adhere to an enforceable dress code.
Granted, many of you bailed out of the 9-tO-S world to escape suits and ties. But how can you expect clients and the wider world to take you seriously if you don’t dress for success? Wouldn’t you feel more professional if you followed a basic dress code?
Me here at headquarters have drafted a proposed dress code for those who never leave their homes to perform their valuable work functions. I will conduct an open comment period during which we’ll seek your input. Then, without warning, the following requirements will become mandatory:
 

1. Pajamas are not proper office attire. Ditto for bathrobes.
   
2. Blue jeans are acceptable, of course, as long as you’re not meeting clients face-to-face. But there are limits, people. Jeans worn more than six days in a row without washing will be considered a violation of the dress code.
3. Jeans with holes, tears, slashes, patches, burn marks, tire tread patterns, coffee stains, or large ink spills are verboten. Legs of said jeans should be approximately the same length.
4. Baby spit-up on your shoulder will not be considered an accessory. Dried spit-up on both shoulders cannot be passed off as epaulets.
5. T-shirts are acceptable as long as they are in good condition (see item 3 above). T-shirts should not bear beer slogans, rock band logos, curse words, or depictions of naked people. Remember: even if you don’t see clients all day, you’ll probably run into your child’s teacher at the supermarket.
6. Sweatshirts. See item 5.
7. Sweatpants are comfortable, work-at-home attire, but wearing them in public should be reconsidered. No one’s backside looks good in sweatpants.
8. Underwear should be laundered regularly. Turning it wrong side out doesn’t count.
9. Flannel shirts are proper attire if you’re a lumberjack. However, we recognize that many of you work in poorly heated spaces and therefore need to layer on warm shirts, so we are willing to overlook these, even if they are essentially pajamas. Flannel shirts should have at least fifty percent of their original buttons. Any shirt you owned in high school probably should be discarded.
10. Denim shirts. See item 9.
11. Clothes should be put on hangers after they are laundered. Valuable work time is wasted sorting through that pile on the floor of your closet, trying to select a garment on the basis of crunchiness.
12. We here at headquarters recognize that many of you enjoy the freedom and comfort of bare feet. But hazards lurk in your home. Sharp-cornered plastic Lego. Need we say more?
13. Similarly, working in the nude to circumvent these regulations is not recommended. That coffee is hot. Trust us.
14. Personal hygiene remains important, even for those who work alone. Here, we will refer you to the Rule of Doubles. You can safely double whatever your practices were when you worked at a regular job without risking dismissal or divorce. For example, if you showered daily when you went to the office, you can now shower every other day. Ditto for shaving. However, if you were one of those pigs who only bathed once a week to begin with, you might want to consider taking the math to the other direction.
15. Teeth should be brushed regularly and deodorant applied every day. You may be working at home, but there’s still your family to consider. And, believe us, they’ll let you hear about this.
    There, that wasn’t so painful, was it? Just a few basic rules for maintaining a professional appearance, even though no one is around to see it. You’ll look better and feel better. And you’ll be ready to get right to work every morning, which is all we here at headquarters care about, anyway.